All at once the camp ended and the flow of magical energy was disrupted. I was amazed how violent this felt. Eternity dissolved into chaos. Those staying on site to pack and clean up found it impossible to act while the stream of participants flowed like a haemorrhage through the gate into the outside world. All things must pass, I thought, and stayed centred. As Shiva the destroyer danced around the camp, we hung on in there and waited until the dust settled.

It took us five days to complete. At last, all the structures had been taken down, the field scoured of litter and foreign objects, the pits filled in, the rubbish taken away or burnt, and the entire site energetically cleaned. The stone circle stayed with permission from the farmer, and our time on site was finished.

Learning how to complete was a deep teaching for me. There was no way we could leave until the feeling was right: this meant, basically, all had to be perfect. It was a lot harder than I had anticipated because much of what we had to do was to deal with the unconsciousness of others. Everything 'swept under the carpet' has an energy of avoidance associated with it, and it takes quite some strength of character and commitment to admit it is there, face it and then actually deal with it.

So all of those really yucky things that were too horrible to be dealt with during the camp, both physical and psychic, were hunted down and processed. This was relatively easy to do as long as one stayed centred, persistent and committed. As this proceeded, all of the large structures and living spaces were dismantled and the trucks loaded. At last everything was ready and, having given thanks and said goodbye to the spirit of the land, we were off!

As Cornwall dissolved slowly behind us and gave way to mainland Britain, the whole concept of the Oak Dragon became clear to me. As it slowly revealed itself, the more I liked it. The group that I was now part of created magical spaces throughout the countryside dedicated to various exciting holistic themes in accordance with its intent. This activated temporary sacred spaces, or power spots on the living Earth, in which strong transformation took place. As a result the camp participants, the local area, and ultimately the entire planet were all bathed in a strong force whose intent was the healing and raising of consciousness of All Beings. And when the party was over, the curtains of normal physical reality were allowed to sweep back concealing the stage. All was cleansed and renewed as if nothing had ever happened. And yet – something fundamental had profoundly changed for ever. I loved it!

And so the pattern of my new life was set, blossoming through each stage, fruiting and then dying in preparation for the next. Interacting with a group committed to healing became my new relationship with life, and my time with January divulged new experiences of no-holds-barred loving relationships. Ecstasy and agony. Life-force pulsing, flowing and stagnating, screaming, exploding, dying, rejoicing and re-incarnating.

My emotional body started to come alive. Somewhere in the lost past my growing up had become truncated and blocked. At this stage of my life it was becoming activated again, but what a massive case of pins-and-needles was being triggered after such a long and deep sleep!

In this brave new world that was opening up in front of me, I rejoiced to take up my station in the human kingdom for the greatest celebration of life-force there is: total healing for my Self, the people, and the planet as a whole.

After an interesting break which included the Glastonbury Music Festival, it was time to take up the reins of Oak Dragon life again. Two camps were to be held back-to-back near Swindon and there I learnt more about the logistics of our operation. This way of life suited me down to the ground (literally!) and I felt a strong sense of fulfilment in what I was doing. At the same time I was becoming more comfortable operating in groups. A growing sense of identity helped me to relax and merge into this new, increasingly familiar environment.

January and I made a large bender by a bend in the sleepy, serpentine river that coiled through the site. It was magnificent. The doorway led into the living room which was roomy and colourful. Here we welcomed visitors. Thick carpet lay underfoot and cushions were strewn liberally over the floor. The bender was divided into two by a gossamer rainbow curtain and behind the veils was our private space. It made us feel like Bedouin royalty.

Emotionally I was in crisis. As my heart opened, the nasty stuff I had been desperately avoiding most of my life came shooting to the surface of consciousness, crippling me. I found myself operating at greatly reduced capacity, obsessed as I was with emotions of which I had very little experience. I experienced, in varying intensity, separation, rage, despair, loneliness and guilt. But by far the most intense feelings coursing through my awareness were those associated with jealousy.

Although I knew I was acting impossibly, I was completely helpless and felt powerless to change anything. My mind would run riot, creating 'worst scenarios', and huge rushes of emotional energy would surge through my body causing me great pain. I feared that January would get bored with me and choose to go where the energy was, which was where I wasn't, of course. I hated myself, for I knew that this state of affairs could only stifle our love for each other. The Fool winked and doffed his cap!

Whenever one's life-force increases in energy, it is a fact of life that all sorts of repressed and denied feelings are liberated and emerge into consciousness. These include both ecstasy and agony, beauty and ugliness, pleasure and pain. It is a time of enhancement and enchantment, and great vulnerability. Our culture provides no real support for these sorts of transformations until, of course, those individuals who have failed to adapt suffer "breakdowns" or suddenly display schizophrenic behaviour. Hopefully the "camp" consciousness, so close to becoming tribal, will evolve to recognise and support individuals in their process of individuation. I was lucky enough to be in such an environment and, although I had to experience and deal with my changes alone, there were others there who had made similar transformations and I was able to speak with them. They indicated what I could expect, told me I wasn't going mad, and I felt much less alone.

During that period I remembered when my natural power and confidence were severely damaged as a child. In dreams and waking reveries I lived and relived this most painful event until I was saturated in all the associated feelings:

I am four years old, vital, an adventurous spirit learning the rules and joys of life. I escape the confines of my house and wander up the country lane in the early autumn sunshine. The air is warm and carries the scents of drying earth and summer flowers. I am feeling very much alive, the world is opening her heart to my eager senses and I am stroked by the capricious fingers of bliss. I find a grassy bank to sit upon and soak up the sun's warmth under a stand of middle-aged oaks.

The breeze is subtle yet playful. Alert, I feel it run its downy wings over my sensitive skin and I explore the shadows as they play hide-and-seek on the dappled ground at my feet. All is new, friendly, safe and exciting. Nature is my friend and guide.

All at once I become aware of a stealthy sound to my right. It is so quiet that I almost miss it, yet I am fully alive and aware of everything in my immediate surroundings. I turn towards the source and see a beautiful, sinuous being approaching me. It is long and thin, is coloured a wonderful dark green with a yellow belly, and seems to swim through, rather than move over, the ground. I am transfixed with wonder. I see an emissary, an ambassador from the Mother herself, making contact with me in beauty and power. Yes, this being exudes some force or presence that has deep meaning for me and I recognise even at that age that I am being deeply honoured.

I have no fear, for I recognise my unity with this creature as well as with everything that surrounds me. I stretch out my hand and grass-snake stops. She touches my skin once, twice with her flickering tongue and then moves gracefully forwards. She proceeds to wind herself slowly, softly, around my arm so as not to alarm me. We play gently, she in beauty and power, I in wonder and in deep acceptance of Nature. She spirals up my arm, through the armhole of my shirt, and wraps herself around my neck.

I am in bliss: I am loved. This is my new friend; in fact, my only friend apart from my family. I have found the place where I belong with Nature. I am full, loved and replete. I receive and radiate friendship from and towards grass-snake who lies gently, companionably, around my neck. I am home!

After a while my great fortune bubbles up within me and I want to share it. I can hear Sheppy, my next-door neighbour, in her garden with` her son. Beaming and so proud, I walk across the lane, open the gate and walk through. Sheppy and her son are burning the fallen autumn leaves on the lawn and a cheerful fire burns merrily. I approach them and as soon as her son sees me, his face twists into an ugly grimace. Instead of the friendly, celebratory atmosphere I am expecting, everything seems to go dreadfully wrong. He dives for the garden fork, sticks it into my face, and flicks my new friend off my neck. In a continuous movement he hits her brutally three or four times; in an eyeblink she has become a writhing, broken, dying creature. With another obscene movement she flies through the air and disappears into the crackling fire.

I am hit by a brutal, painful reality that smashes away my joy, my trust, my innocence. It is too much for me to accept, to bear. I don't react; I am frozen. My breath comes in shallow gasps. Surely I cannot be expected to deal with such as this, at my age?

I cannot. The experience is automatically pushed out of my conscious memory, and it re-emerges only years later when I am stronger and able to start to handle it. In grass-snake's stead, a grey shadowy monster is born that bright morning. It haunts me and follows me wherever I go. There is no escape. Something deep inside me is broken like the body of my friend. Whenever my thirsty body thrills with life-force, love and magic, the monster, usually in the form of some human or another, appears and takes it all away again. Again and again. I finally realise that I am forbidden to experience joy and the magic ever again.

Suddenly, carrying for the first time the darkness of denial inside of me, I run away into the distance as far and fast as my little legs will carry me.

It is evening, a gentle and peaceful time after the work of the day, and there is a strong sense of expectancy. Sid is about to lead a sweatlodge on the riverbank, and we can sense the energies rising and gathering.

Some of the people are already starting to make their way towards the sacred fire. It has been lit ceremonially in typical wacky Sid-style and from time to time a sharp report echoes from the surrounding hills as a stone explodes in the withering heat. January and I are in our bender, ready to dance with the energies of the moment and we don our costumes in preparation.

As we are about to leave, I feel the energy build up inside myself and become trapped in my chest and solar plexus. There is nothing I can do to alleviate my by now familiar condition, and I feel all self-control slip away. Stark panic fills me and I start to shake. The interior of the bender feels a safe space where I can be with my love, while outside becomes in my mind an increasingly dangerous place where we can easily get separated. Then my imagination focuses on how it could be if that happened. Ivan wandering around the site in the darkness, wretched and alone, unable to enjoy any other situation that appears, lost in his obsession. Unable to find his love, who has found a magical and beautiful environment in which to blossom with others, sharing magical space.

So I start to manipulate the situation to keep us both inside the bender. I pretend that I want to make love yet, naturally, the energy is not there. I can feel that January wants to go out to find adventure: dammit, under normal circumstances, I would have been raring to go myself! I am a helpless fish struggling at the end of my own line. I wriggle and struggle and contrive ways to keep her with me. There is no way I feel able to leave, for the bender is a space I feel able to control. The big 'out there' is outside my sphere of influence and if we leave our safe space I know I will have to surrender to how life wants it all to be. I cannot take the risk.

During all of this I understand exactly what is going on, yet feel powerless to do anything about it. I know that if I could summon up enough courage to speak about my blocked condition with January, it could be resolved quite quickly. This is however an impossibility, for to admit to my condition would require far more energy than I have at my command. I just cannot do it. So I have to endure these unbearable feelings and observe myself cold-bloodedly sabotaging the natural flow of life-force whenever they are triggered.

For the rest of the evening and night we stay in, uncomfortable with each other and wanting to leave, but unable to extricate ourselves from the trap in which we find ourselves. The natural flow of our life-force has been well and truly dammed, damned, and sent off in some strange direction, spinning in a dangerously unhealthy way.

Now I can smile and look lovingly at myself as I was then, and bless January for triggering my healing crisis. Then I could only stumble, prisoner of my own emotional body, until the real-life theatre show had played itself completely out. For the only way we humans can move and emotionally grow is by experiencing whatever feelings there are at any time, feeling them as fully as possible, and moving through them as equanimously as we can.

Gentle, truthful communication with others, especially with the person with whom problems are being experienced, is a great shifter of blocked energy. Finally this healing happened between us, and I was surprised at how quickly this seemingly omnipotent spectre dissolved and left my life for ever.

In the process of healing, some conditions can be resolved in five minutes, some in five years, some in five lifetimes. This is just the way it is, and depends on how deeply the dis-ease is etched into the energy body of the person concerned. When in the middle of such healing, it is difficult to know how long it will take before relief and eventual wholeness will be achieved. It usually feels as if the pain will be around for ever and ever.

However, it is good to hold the belief that miracles sometimes do happen! Dear Great Spirit, I know that life on the Earthplane is the only state in which we can change our condition and evolve, but couldn't it hurry up a little bit, and be a little less excruciating?

It was during this camp that certain blockages and unconsciousnesses inside the camp system itself started to manifest. The anarchic 'traveller types' unofficially led by Sid were starting to grumble, and wanted to change the system in keeping with their philosophy of life. They wanted more say in the running of things, less structure, and a less elitist approach to things. Resentments and frictions started to build up among the crew resulting in, among other things, a semi-strike in the site management led by Mike.

This affected me deeply. As I watched the efficient running of the site deteriorate, I determined to do something about it. Oak Dragon and its dream had inspired me to the core and I hated to see its life-blood drain away because of a few dissatisfied people.

I felt a deep stirring inside of me to act as a 'energy mover' rather than simply a 'worker', and built up my nerve to ask Palden if I could do anything to help the situation. Although the actual meeting was rather inconsequential, energetically it was a large step taken. Formerly an invisible part in the scheme of things, I was now starting to feel empowered to come more out front, initiating and guiding proceedings. Another motive in my decision was to become more of an equal 'partner in work' with January who was one of the directors of Oak Dragon.

And so I changed. It was all a bit slow and painful, but I moved. The inertia and fears of a lifetime were there to confront me at every turn, but I was in love with a beautiful woman, and also with a bunch of people who were attempting to manifest a dream with which I resonated strongly. And so the scene was set for a critical pivotal point in my evolution, the human condition and the destiny of the planet: Harmonic Convergence.